Just How Long
by Peaky
Summary: This is a Luby, set in early season 12 the episode 'man with no name.' It is before 'Human Shield' therefore is AU. Please R&R! Hope you like it!
1. Chapter 1

Okay, I have reposted this with corrections on some mistakes that I had noticed after Anonymous01 had pointed them out to me! Thank you for your review Anonymous01! Guess that is a hazard of typing anything of any length, you tend to miss one or two things.

Also just a little thank you to Shakai, for your endless encouragement, and I promise, Ray is in Chapter 3! Love you hunny bunny!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, just borrowing for entertainment value!

Rating: M (Just incase, because i don't know how far my little mind can go, as of yet!)

---------------------------------------------

Okay, so I know my profile says that I will never attempt a Luby, but i was led in my very comfortable bed this morning, when this came to me! So i thought 'go on Elissa, give it a whirl!' And i have done. It is completely off the top of my head, but i have ideas as to where i will take it. I will carry on, if people like it, so read and review, i would really like to hear what you think! Hope you enjoy!

* * *

I wasn't exactly sure when all this started. I wasn't exactly sure when my heart had begun to betray me and flit backwards to remind me of a time long gone. I told myself that what I was feeling had to stop. It wasn't fair on anybody, not me, not him, certainly not him. I told myself that what I was feeling was a delayed reaction to Carter leaving me, breaking up with me in a letter and just not returning.

Luka had asked me then, "How are you doing with that?"

And I had told him, "I'm fine, I'm better than fine."

I had said that and I had meant it, truth be told, I had known Carter and I weren't meant to be lovers. Friends we were good at. Lovers, well, we sucked at that game. However, we had gone along with it, and no matter how bad at it we were we still cared for each other as friends, so it hadn't hurt any less when he had gone. Then he had come back, and I had found out Luka had died, and my heart had leaped into my throat when I had been told the news. I was, I had told myself, mourning the loss of a very close friend. Carter left again, and he sent a letter back along with a very sick Luka, and a very sick Luka's new girlfriend. I had been fine though, I had moved on, and I was changing my life, and for the first time in a long time, I was doing well, all by myself.

Then Carter had come back, with a pregnant girlfriend no less, and admittedly, yes, I was hurt and jealous, but this wasn't a set back I was going to let spoil my new found happiness. Luka and I were good friends by this time, and I enjoyed that. He was happy with Sam, and I was able to form friendships with both him, and Carter, and this I thought, was a turning point in my life.

When Carter left for good, the final time, I was happy for him. Happy that he had found someone he loved so much, he would change his life for her. I was sad he was leaving; only because I would miss one of the best friends I had ever had, and that was a sad loss for me, but he was happy, and that made me smile.

Luka and I were still good friends, except I felt nervous around him. If we worked together and his arm accidentally brushed against mine, I would feel giddy and light headed. If he smiled at me, which he did on countless occasions, I would go weak at the knees. This, I told myself was fucking stupid. I said over and over, 'get a grip, get a grip.' But I didn't and it carried on like this.

He has broken up with Sam, I found him in a bar tonight, drunk. All I could do was be there for him, as a friend - that was all he needed. I found myself thinking, I need to be around him, I need to feel him near me. It was killing me, because it wasn't a clever thing. Not clever at all.

Luka and I we're just friends. All we were ever supposed to be was friends. I had hurt him last time we were involved, and he had certainly hurt me. We were great when it came to getting home and going to bed, and I had loved the pointless chatter that came with going to and from work with him, but when it came down to the important things, like communicating our fears, and our issues, we couldn't do it. We pushed each other away, and we did whatever we could to keep a safe distance, no matter the hurt we caused.

Okay, so we had become friends, and with that communications had improved, in fact he had turned to me, as I had to him several times since our break up, but that, common sense had tried to tell me, didn't warrant starting up a relationship again. For all I knew, we could both become closed off shells again, just climbing in and out of bed with one another, seeking comfort in each others bodies, then leaving so much unsaid. I couldn't do that to him again, and I couldn't do it to myself. I was stronger now.

But here I am, led against him on his sofa, his breath on the side of my face, and because it's him, and because I am near him, I can even stand the stench of booze. I curse myself because this is the most dangerous and stupid thing I have ever done, yet I don't move, because I cannot bear to not be next to him, listening to his breathing.

I had given him a lift home, in his car no less, he was too drunk to drive. I would get a cab home once he was safely in I had said. I hadn't though had I?

We got back to his place and he had let me in, he went straight over to the sofa and plopped himself down. I looked around his apartment, taking in the apparent chaos, of his newly reinstated bachelorhood. I took that moment to make some stupid comment about how he should consider getting a maid, but there was no response. He had fallen asleep.

There! Right there! That is where any sane person would leave. That is where I should have left, shutting his door quietly behind me. But I don't. I can't. So instead, I slide of my jacket and place it carefully on a chair. I do consider then what I am doing here. I crouch in front of him, and move the hair out of his face, careful not to wake him. Then my stupid brain makes up its on mind on what it's doing here and I slowly move to slide onto the couch next to him. I lean my head against his chest and move his arm so that it lies across my shoulders. I move my right hand up to his left shoulder and hold his neck, shuffling to get as close as is humanly possible, considering the circumstances. And that's it. That is what I am doing here. Trying to be held by a man, who has no idea. Trying to be held by a man, who in the morning will think I'm crazy; a man who will probably never want to see me again once he wakes, and realises what is going on. But I don't care about in the morning. If just for tonight, I can feel this safe, then I don't care.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, I have reposted this with corrections on some mistakes that I had noticed after Anonymous01 had pointed them out to me! Thank you for your review Anonymous01! Guess that is a hazard of typing anything of any length, you tend to miss one or two things.

Also just a little thank you to Shakai, for your endless encouragement, and I promise, Ray is in Chapter 3! Love you hunny bunny!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, just borrowing for entertainment value!

Rating: M (Just incase, because i don't know how far my little mind can go, as of yet!)

---------------------------------------------

Okay, so I know my profile says that I will never attempt a Luby, but i was led in my very comfortable bed this morning, when this came to me! So i thought 'go on Elissa, give it a whirl!' And i have done. It is completely off the top of my head, but i have ideas as to where i will take it. I will carry on, if people like it, so read and review, i would really like to hear what you think! Hope you enjoy!

---------------------------------------------

This second chapter is Luka's point of view on the same evening. If i continue with this story, the whole thing is going to fly backwards and forwards between one point of view and the next, i may even throw in a third character, who knows. Hope you like it!

* * *

I think my heart may pound its way through my chest. I'm surprised it hasn't woken her, surely she can hear that. It's insane. What I am feeling is completely insane. It's unfair too. I can't drag her into this, she doesn't deserve it. After all, I tell myself, this is just a reaction to breaking up with Sam. I'm just lonely.

After Abby and I had broken up, I knew what I had done, and I tried to make it up to her. I did my best to repair some of the damage, trying to build a friendship, maybe with a little hope of reconciliation. I had never figured out why I had said the things I had to her. Why did I tell her she wasn't that pretty, when she was one of the most beautiful people I have ever met? Why did I tell her Carter could have her, when the only thing I wanted was to have her in my bed?

My stomach had knotted when I had found about her and Carter. It was the most painfully split I have ever felt. Part of me was happy for her, that she was moving on and enjoying her life, the other part of me was willing itself not to break down and cry on the spot. I had just walked away. It was all I could do, because God knows, I really didn't want to know just how many condoms had been used over that fortnight, which Chuny had delighted in telling anybody that would listen.

I started drinking, going out every night, and bringing home a different girl with me each time. Hoping that somewhere along the line, one of them would make me forget. Hoping that one of them would wipe away the memory of her, the memory of the hurt I'd caused and the words I'd said, and the thought of her with another man, the thought of her moaning another man's name in the dark, instead of my own.

I had jumped at the chance to go to Africa. I had to get away and take stock of my life. It was a chance to go somewhere and do some real good. I had said goodbye to her in the locker room, and thought, as we sat there, that I wouldn't ever be able to let her go. But I had, and she had got up and walked away with a 'hold down the fort' from me. Somehow I hoped that this little sentence would convey all my feelings towards her. Oh yes Luka, that ought to have done it!

I thought about her whilst I was there, thought about the two of us. I decided it was time to move on, I had let my demons rule the most part of my life. I now had to start living properly, living for me. Towards the end, I was so delirious, form the malaria it's hard to remember what I had thought about from one day to the next though. Then there had been Gillian, and that was a whirlwind.

When I was transported back to the states, she had been so relieved to see me, like she had had the crappiest day ever. She had of course; when I had found out that the _sonofabitch _had broken up with her in a letter, I was so mad. I had no right of course, I had hurt her myself. Not in a fucking letter though!

I had moved on though, with Gillian, so I had offered her my friendship then, and she had taken it.

I had asked, "How are you doing with that?"

"I'm fine. I'm more than fine." She had replied.

I believed her too. There was something new in her eyes, and it made her look healthy. Even more beautiful. I had allowed myself a stolen thought, only to justify it later, as merely appreciating my good friend's new lease on life. She couldn't tell me then – because she hadn't wanted to jinx herself – what life changing decisions she had made, but soon enough I watched her put herself back thorough med – school.

I was so proud of her. She was always meant to be a Doctor; I had known it all along. With this new working relationship though, memories came flooding back. I don't know if it was just because I had to interact with her more now, but if we worked on a trauma and her arm brushed against mine, or she smiled at me in passing on a corridor, I would get an all too familiar sense of butterflies in my stomach. This, I had told myself, was fucking stupid.

Tonight she had found me in a bar, drunk. I was drowning my sorrows over Sam, and she knew it. It was her turn to offer friendship, and I'm not such a fool, that I would turn that down, so I had let her drive me home. All I could think was that I wanted to be near her, to be around her. These thoughts I had put down to loneliness, and excess alcohol, because the other alternative was just crazy.

Abby and I we're just friends; all we were ever supposed to be was friends. I had hurt her when we were involved. She had hurt me too. We were such a great fit in bed, we made love with a passion I hadn't ever experienced, and haven't since. We used our bodies to try and communicate what we couldn't say in words, in the light of day. In the end though, that wasn't enough. We spent the year we were together hurting each other with the things we couldn't say.

In the last two years, we have formed a really strong friendship, and I love spending time with her. We have found in friendship, a way to communicate with one another. I have turned to her, as she has to me, on many an occasion. However, that, I tell myself, is not enough to try and re start a relationship. Is it? We could just fall straight back into the same routine as last time. I will not allow us to just seek comfort in each others bodies once again. We have both come too far for that.

But here I am, with her laying against me on the sofa, and my head is telling me to get up, leave her there and go to my own bed. My heart is telling me though that I can't sleep if I don't have her next to me, her steady breathing making every apprehension disappear.

Is what I feel really a reaction to being lonely after Sam left? I'm sitting here trying to figure this out. What did I see in Sam? I saw her Son, an instant family, and a young girl, that I could try and protect. Was that love? Maybe, in its own way it was, and now as I sit here in my semi sober state, I finally understand. I loved her, but I wasn't in love.

Does that then, make what I am doing here acceptable? Right now I should get up and cover her with a shrug. I should make my way into my bedroom, and close my door quietly behind me. I don't though, I stay sat, my arm draped around her shoulders, and I leave her hand exactly where it is, clinging around my neck. It is now that I realise what I am actually doing. I am trying to hold a woman who has no idea. Trying to hold a woman, who in the morning will think I'm crazy; a woman who will probably never want to see me again once she wakes, and realises what is going on. But I don't care about in the morning. If just for tonight, I can protect her and feel this close to her, then I don't care.


	3. Chapter 3

Just a little thank you to Shakai, for your endless encouragement, and I promise, Ray is in this chapter! Love you hunny bunny!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, just borrowing for entertainment value!

Rating: M (Just incase, because i don't know how far my little mind can go, as of yet!)

---------------------------------------------

Okay, so I know my profile says that I will never attempt a Luby, but i was led in my very comfortable bed this morning, when this came to me! So i thought 'go on Elissa, give it a whirl!' And i have done. It is completely off the top of my head, but i have ideas as to where i will take it. I will carry on, if people like it, so read and review, i would really like to hear what you think! Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Last night was stupid wasn't it? It was. It really was. I had woken up still wrapped in his arms. Thankfully I had realised where I was almost immediately, so I hadn't made any sudden movements that would have woken him. I hadn't thought about how I was going to explain it when morning came. Well it was morning. I had looked at my watch. Five thirty.

Slowly and carefully I had disengaged our bodies and crept off the sofa. If I could get out before he woke up I wouldn't have to explain anything. He wouldn't ever have to know. I quietly put my jacket on and looked around for my black bag. I'd left it in his car, shit! Screw it; I knew he would bring it to work with him. I had to get out of there.

I closed the door quietly behind me, and as soon as I was out of the confines of his apartment, I had allowed myself to breath properly. I ran then. I ran down the stairs, not bothering to wait for the elevator, and I ran all the way to the El station, three streets away. Once safely settled on one of the plastic seats in the train carriage I had let my mind wander.

I could still smell him; he had left his scent on my t-shirt. I felt like a fourteen year old, promising not to wash it ever again because it smelt like him. I had pulled the neck of my shirt up to my nose and held it there breathing in his scent, not caring what I looked like to the other passengers. I was breathless from running, I hadn't combed my hair, and I was wearing clothes that I had slept in, but I didn't care because I could smell him!

Once I had arrived home, I hadn't known what to do with myself. I had stood against the door for a good ten minutes just trying to gain some sort of composure. I went to the bedroom and stripped off my clothes, and, as promised, I had folded up my t-shirt neatly and placed it on my pillow. I took the rest of my clothes and put them in the laundry basket. I would, I had told myself, put the t-shirt for washing tomorrow.

After I had showered and dressed I had tried making some breakfast only to throw it away an hour later. So after two cups of coffee I once again donned my jacket and collected everything I would need to take to work with me. Whilst in the bedroom I had spotted the t-shirt and a sudden wave of frustration washed over me, so I grabbed the shirt and took it into the kitchen where I threw it, firmly, in the trash. A slight over reaction maybe, a simple wash would have sufficed, but I was furious with myself.

I was stood at the admit desk checking over some patient charts when he came in. he smiled and held up my bag indicating to the lounge. I returned his smile, but couldn't coax any other part of my body into moving. When he walked away I let out a sigh and shook my head in despair at myself. Just how much longer could I keep doing this? Ray took it upon himself to startle the life out of me at that moment.

"Geez, Lockhart! You look like hell!" He exclaimed.

"Ray?" I asked.

"Yes?" He had enquired, moving right up close my face.

"Go away!" I told him, turning on my heal and walking off to see my first patient.

She was a little girl who had fallen off her bike and fractured her arm. Most of the shift was spent like this, going backwards and forwards between minor injuries. That changed of course with an hour of my shift to go, when a trauma rolled in.

"Okay, we got a twenty one year old female, two GSW's to the right chest and right leg. B.P'S eighty-five over sixty, pulse is one-twenty." The paramedic had reeled off.

Luka had asked, "What's the pulse ox?"

"Ninety-six on two litres." She told him.

"What is her name?" I asked.

"Laurie."

"Okay Laurie, you're safe now, we will take good care of you." I had tried to reassure her, as her eyes darted around her.

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An hour and forty-five minutes later I was knelt over Laurie, sweaty and worn out, refusing to give up on CPR. I pounded continually on her chest, willing her pulse to return.

"Come on Laurie, come on." I chanted over and over.

"Abby, you have been at that for thirty minutes. It's time to stop." Luka had said.

"Not yet. I told her I would take good care of her. I won't give up yet."

"Abby."

"Luka, No!" I shouted. "Is somebody charging those paddles?"

"Just how long do you intend to go on with this?" He had asked.

"Until I get a pulse." I told him, like he was stupid.

"Abby, call it" He had said, firmly.

"Come on Laurie, Come on." I continued my chant.

"Abby!"

"ALL RIGHT!" I shouted throwing my bloodied hands in the air, as a signal for him to stop. "All right." I said again, quietly this time. "Time of death, twenty-forty five."

I climbed down and removed my gloves and walked towards the door where Luka stood.

"You," I said pushing my gloves into his chest, "Can sort this out." I motioned to the room, and walked through the door, calling behind me as it closed, "I am going home."

I was in the lounge gathering my things out of my locker when Luka had come in.

"I came to apologise." He said.

"It's okay, she was-"

"I don't mean for tonight." He interrupted

"Oh, well, apologise for what then?" I asked

"Last night."

I looked down at my shoes, blushing. "It's okay, I shouldn't have left like that this morning, and I should have stayed to explain."

"What? Explain what?" He asked bewildered. He didn't know, thank God he didn't know. "You stayed to check on me, that was nice of you. I just didn't want you to get freaked out by it."

"Freaked out about what?" Now I was bewildered.

"About how we ended up together like that." He elaborated.

"Oh." He thought that was just how we ended up. Well, fine. Let him believe that. "Oh, no, don't worry about that." I smiled at him, that wasn't your fault. It happens." I told him.

He nodded. "So we're okay then?"

"Mhmm." I said. "Wont be if you don't let me get out of here quick, so I can go home mind!" I joked.

He laughed and stepped aside to let me through the door. "See you tomorrow." He said.

"Yep, see you tomorrow." I smiled, and I headed out of the lounge and out of the ER.

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If last night was such a mistake, then what am I doing here? I am in Luka's bed, and thankfully he is asleep, and hasn't questioned what I am doing. I couldn't have told him if he had asked, I have no idea. This is crazy, and dangerous and stupid. But all these things my common sense is trying to warn me about, are seemingly irrelevant at this moment, because I want to touch him, and stay like this forever and so I ignore both common sense and rationality, and once again, stay there not caring about in the morning.

I don't know what is happening to me. I had gotten home from work and had tried to eat, but again had ended up throwing it away because the thought of food had made me nauseous. I had sat on the sofa for an hour or so flicking backwards and forwards through the television channels, not finding something that would take my mind off the feeling in the pit of my stomach. So I had finally decided to go to bed to try and sleep it off. I took my sweater off and climbed into bed with my t-shirt and sweat pants on.

I lay there tossing and turning in bed for the best part of an hour until I thought the nausea was going to over take my body. I had sat up and swung my legs from under the covers. As soon as I had put any weight on them though, they gave way underneath me. I hit the floor and sat with my back against my bed, and began to cry. The nausea had gotten worse, but now I was shaking too. I had pins and needles in my arms, and I couldn't feel my legs at all. My chest was tightening and I had found it increasingly difficult to breath. I had clutched at my chest, hoping that somehow the futile movement would ease some of the shooting pains, it didn't, and I had panicked more and more. My breathing had become raspier, breathing had become so painful, but I had to just get more air into my lungs, so I panted and panted.

I woke up to find myself propped up against my bed, I must have passed out. Slowly and carefully, I had tried to hoist myself up. I was still shaky, but the shooting pains had ceased so I was at least breathing a little more regularly. Finding my feet, I had carefully made my way through the apartment; I put my sweater back on, and found my jacket and put that on too. I didn't think about where I was going or what I would do once I got there but I just had to get out. So I had grabbed my keys and shut my door behind me.

I had taken the El, and found myself outside his building. I didn't remember the walk there; I was too busy trying to work out a rational explanation for what had caused me to pass out like I had. I didn't even consider not going in to his building, and I took the stairs, faster than was probably wise considering I was still trying to compose myself, again, I was too antsy to wait for the elevator.

I knocked on his door and heard shuffling behind; I quickly checked my watch, just gone eleven, not too late then. He had opened the door and his face had dropped.

"Shit, Abby, what the hell happened." He asked concerned.

"I don't know." I told him, then I couldn't keep it in and I had tried to explain. "I went to bed and I couldn't sleep, and I felt really sick, like in the pit of my stomach, but when I stood up my legs gave way, and I couldn't feel my hands, and I couldn't get up, and I couldn't breath-" I spilled all this, getting more and more worked up.

He put his hands on my shoulders to stop me. "Shhh. Abby it's okay. Shhh." And he steered me into his apartment.

"I think I must have passed out, because I woke up on the floor next to my bed." I had told him, willing myself to stay calm and not cry.

"Okay." He nodded, and he came over to the couch with a glass of water. "Here have a drink. Have you eaten today?"

I shook my head, lowering my eyes, I knew what was coming.

"Abby!" He exclaimed.

"I know Luka, I know!" I had cried. "And I did try, twice!" I told him, feeling like a child. "I just felt really, really sick."

"Okay." He had said, trying to calm me down. "I'm going to make you something," I tried to protest. "And you will eat it."

I stood up and followed him into the kitchen, glass of water in hand. "Luka. I'm sorry." I almost whispered. "I just didn't know what else to do."

He turned away from his cooking and looked at me, "Don't worry about that. I'm glad you came here, at least this way I can keep an eye on you." He smiled and I smiled back. "Seems to me you had a panic attack, which wasn't helped by the fact that you haven't eaten anything all day."

I had just nodded, accepting my scalding like a good girl. "What are you making?" I asked pulling a face.

"Just soup. Nothing too heavy."

"Please can I take something for my headache?" I had asked, again feeling like a child.

"There is Tylenol in the bathroom cabinet. Help yourself." So I did do.

The soup really wasn't all that bad, and I managed to keep it all down. We ate in silence. Well I ate in silence, he looked on in silence.

"You want to stay here tonight?" he had asked, breaking my reverie.

"Yes please. If you don't mind." I looked anywhere but him at that moment.

"If I minded I wouldn't have offered." He stated as he took my bowl into the kitchen. "You can take my bed; I'll sleep on the sofa."

"No. That's ok; I'd rather sleep on the sofa." I said.

"Okay. You sure?" He had asked. I nodded. "I'll just get the stuff." And he had walked away in search of blankets and a pillow.

He came back and made up his sofa for me, even though I had insisted I could do it myself.

"I'll leave you to it now then." He had said, once sure that I had enough of everything to be comfortable.

"Thank you." I said.

"Don't worry about it. Goodnight."

"Night Luka." With that he was gone.

I had again tossed and turned for a while, although the panic in my stomach had subsided, I had managed to return to thinking the stupidest things about the man asleep in his bed, in this very apartment. I slid off the sofa, and crept to Luka's room. I stood at the door for a minute making sure he wasn't awake. I had then slowly crept over to the side of the bed that he wasn't occupying. I pulled back the comforter, and slid in next to him.

So here I am, in Luka's bed. He doesn't know, but he will soon enough. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I'm still resisting the urge to touch him, or move in closer. Probably best to keep our bodies separate this time. I'll just take comfort in the fact that he is here next to me, and I am in his bed. His bed clothes have me wrapped safely in his vicinity. That is enough for me.


	4. Chapter 4

Just a little thank you to Shakai, for your endless encouragement! And also thanks to Laura N, because I know you are going to be the first to read this, and your encouragement, well you have no idea! Thank you too! Finally, thanks to those of you who have reviewed! It means a lot, and gives me an incentive to continue!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, just borrowing for entertainment value!

Rating: M (Just incase, because i don't know how far my little mind can go, as of yet!)

---------------------------------------------

Okay, so I know my profile says that I will never attempt a Luby, but i was led in my very comfortable bed this morning, when this came to me! So i thought 'go on Elissa, give it a whirl!' And i have done. It is completely off the top of my head, but i have ideas as to where i will take it. I will carry on, if people like it, so read and review, i would really like to hear what you think! Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Last night was absolutely the most stupid thing I have ever done, yet lying here now; I'm not quite sure what is going on. This morning I had been certain that I at least knew what I had done, even if I knew it was wrong. Now though I'm not so sure.

After waking to find Abby asleep on me, with my arms wrapped around her, I had made the conscious decision that I would leave us that way, even though I knew it wasn't a sensible thing to do. I hadn't thought about what I would say to her when morning came, how I would explain what she would surely see as, me taking advantage of her when she had fallen asleep after making sure I was home safe. When morning came though I had woken up alone and had thought to myself that that at least gave me the journey to work to figure out what I would say to her.

I had stayed sitting on the sofa for a while, thinking about what I had done. Thinking of times she had been mad at me before. I had pictured her eyes hurt and upset, her frown wrinkling her forehead, and her disappointed shake of her head. 'What have I done?' I had thought.

I had showered and shaved, and got dressed. I had made breakfast and just about managed to eat some between stomach churning thoughts about how mad she must have been when she had woken up to find my arms around her. She had dashed out without waking me after all.

When I was gathering up things I would need for work I had picked up my discarded clothes to put them in the laundry. I had gone to throw my shirt in the laundry along with the rest but had been stopped in my tracks. It smelt of her. I had just caught a slight whiff of her. She smelt of a combination of her musk perfume, washing powder and her brand of soap that I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was called. Combined these made up her smell, the smell I had stood there breathing in for an endless amount of time. After a while I had come to my senses and chastised myself.

"Get a grip Luka! You are not twelve years old!" I had told myself and I had thrown the shirt in the laundry with the rest of my clothes. I had found everything I would need for a day at the hospital and had headed down to my car. When I got in I had spotted her bag, on the floor of the passenger side. I would give it to her at work, I had told myself, at least it gave me an excuse to attempt a conversation with her.

I had walked into the ER, to see her standing at admit looking over some charts, she had looked up at me and all I could do was smile, and hold up her bag and let her know that I would take it through to the lounge. She had smiled back, but didn't follow. I had perceived that as a bad sign. She had known that if she followed me into the lounge we would be alone. 'What does she think of me?' I had wondered.

The shift was really tedious. I had resident after resident running up to me to sign off on things, and I knew it was part of my responsibility as an attending, but today I just couldn't be bothered. Not once though, was the resident Abby. We had minimal contact all day, and she always managed to find someone else to sign off on her patient, even if I had been the nearest to her.

Then a trauma had arrived, and Abby and I had both gone out to meet the ambulance.

"Okay, we got a twenty one year old female, two GSW's to the right chest and right leg. B.P'S eighty-five over sixty, pulse is one-twenty." The paramedic had called out as she pushed the gurney out of the back doors of the ambulance.

"What's the pulse ox?" I asked, as we pushed her across the ambulance bay and through the automatic doors.

"Ninety-six on two litres." She told me.

"What is her name?" Abby had asked.

"Laurie."

"Okay Laurie, you're safe now, we will take good care of you." I had heard Abby say soothingly as one of her hands gripped Laurie's, the other gripping the side of the gurney as she pushed it along with the rest of us.

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An hour and fifteen minutes later and Laurie had arrested for the third time. For the third time Abby had climbed onto the side of Laurie's bed and for the third time I had started charging the paddles. I had known that we should probably have given up then, but Abby wasn't going to let it happen, so we had used the paddles and CPR for another twenty – five minutes.

Once I had stopped charging the paddles, I had just expected Abby to follow my lead and stop the CPR, but she hadn't. She had stayed up there, sweat running down her face, so much so, that I was sure she could no longer see. She had just continued pummelling Laurie's chest, oblivious to the rest of the room watching her.

"Come on Laurie, come on." She recited over and over.

"Abby, you have been at that for thirty minutes. It's time to stop." I had said, distress evident on everybody's faces. No one knew how to act when one of their colleagues reacted this badly to a trauma.

"Not yet. I told her I would take good care of her. I won't give up yet."

"Abby." I said again, slightly firmer.

"Luka, No!" She had shouted. "Is somebody charging those paddles?"

"Just how long do you intend to go on with this?" I had asked her.

"Until I get a pulse." She said contempt in her words, like I was stupid.

"Abby, call it" I had said, definitely firm this time.

"Come on Laurie, Come on." She continued to chant.

"Abby!"

"ALL RIGHT!" She shouted throwing her bloodied hands in the air in front of her, as a signal for me to stop. "All right." She said again, quietly this time, the distress evident in her eyes. "Time of death, twenty-forty five."

She had climbed down off the bed and snapped off her gloves walking over to where I stood by the door.

"You," She said pushing her gloves into my chest, I took them without realising, "Can sort this out." She motioned to the room, and walked through the door. I heard her say, "I am going home." Then the door had swung shut behind her.

I hadn't stayed to clean the room though. I had left following Abby to the lounge. I opened the door and she was in there at her locker.

"I came to apologise." I said.

"It's okay, she was-" She started

"I don't mean for tonight." I interrupted.

"Oh, well, apologise for what then?" She asked genuine confusion etched on her face.

"Last night." I said quietly.

She had looked down at her shoes, and I could have sworn that I had seen a hint of a blush on her cheeks. "It's okay, I shouldn't have left like that this morning, I should have stayed to explain."

"What? Explain what?" I had asked bewildered. I had no idea what she was talking about. What did she have to explain? "You stayed to check on me, that was nice of you. I just didn't want you to get freaked out by it." I had continued.

"Freaked out about what?" She asked, looking bewildered herself.

"About how we ended up together like that." I elaborated.

"Oh." She had appeared to realise what I meant then. "Oh, no, don't worry about that." I smiled at him, that wasn't your fault. It happens." She had said, honestly.

She really didn't blame me. She must have just thought that we had both fallen asleep and moved together in our sleep. Well I would let her believe that then, it was partly the truth. There was no need to tell her that I had woken up and decided to not do anything about it.

"So we're okay then?" I had asked.

"Mhmm." She nodded, then smiled as she added, "Won't be if you don't let me get out of here quick, so I can go home mind!"

I had just laughed in response and moved out of the way of the door to let her pass. "See you tomorrow." I said.

"Yep, see you tomorrow." She smiled as she walked through the door.

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If last night had been such a mistake then what is going on now? It is three A.M and I am led in bed with Abby to my right. Abby is in my bed! I had thought that last night I was being really stupid. I was so sure she would hate me, yet she has come to my bed tonight. Did she find comfort in waking up wrapped in my arms? She hadn't said anything to me today when she had had the chance. I really have no idea what to do. I want to reach out and touch her. Put my arm across her waist and hold her to me. I don't though, I just stay there, trying to quieten all my crazy thoughts and fall back asleep.

I had finally managed to slip out of the grasp of the ER, about half an hour after my shift had ended. I had decided to stay and do my paper work there, hoping it would give me the motivation to actually do it. I had known for a fact that if I had taken it home, it would have been left to one side, as different thoughts of Abby fought for prominence, whilst I sat on the sofa. She had forgotten her bag again.

Once I had finished the paperwork it was nearing ten-thirty, so I had grabbed my things out of my locker, leaving Abby's bag in there, and had practically sprinted out of the ER. I drove home and once I had gotten in I had flung everything on a chair and flopped down on the sofa. It was just going up for eleven, not too late and I wasn't ready to go to bed so I had turned on the television, not really concentrating on what I was watching.

Someone knocked on my door. I had flicked the stand by button on the remote and stood up and made my way to the door. I had opened it and felt my jaw drop. Abby was stood there looking ghostly pale, and I had immediately known something was really wrong.

"Shit, Abby, what the hell happened." I had heard myself asking, I couldn't shake the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I had always reacted badly when Abby was in trouble; this time had been no different.

"I don't know." She had told me quietly, stopping for a second. Then, seemingly unable to keep it all in she had continued, hurriedly. "I went to bed and I couldn't sleep, and I felt really sick, like in the pit of my stomach, but when I stood up my legs gave way, and I couldn't feel my hands, and I couldn't get up, and I couldn't breath-"

"Shhh. Abby it's okay. Shhh." I had put my hands on her shoulders to stop her as she got more worked up. I had steered her into the apartment, a little wave of relief washing over me. Nobody had hurt her, thank God!

She sat down on the sofa and I went to get her a glass of water.

"I think I must have passed out, because I woke up on the floor next to my bed." She told me. I had known she was trying not to cry.

"Okay." I said, handing her the glass of water. "Here have a drink. Have you eaten today?" I asked.

She shook her head and lowered her eyes.

"Abby!" I exclaimed. She was a Doctor; she knew how important it was to eat properly!

"I know Luka, I know!" She had cried. "And I did try, twice!" She had sounded like a little child, weak and helpless. "I just felt really, really sick."

"Okay." I said to her, trying to calm her down. I stood up, looking at her, I told her. "I'm going to make you something," When she had tried to protest I had simply said to her, "And you will eat it."

I had left her on the sofa whilst I went to make her something to eat, but she had followed me into the kitchen. "Luka. I'm sorry. "I just didn't know what else to do." She whispered.

I hadn't told her what I really thought about that comment. It wouldn't have done anybody any good to have told her that I was so glad she was there, that it relaxed me, made me feel good for something. She really had no idea that I craved to be around her, so I had simply said, "Don't worry about that. I'm glad you came here, at least this way I can keep an eye on you."

I had then proceeded to tell her what I was sure had happened. "Seems to me you had a panic attack, which wasn't helped by the fact that you haven't eaten anything all day." I had added the last little scalding on the end on purpose. She could be so stubborn; she had to see how dangerous it could be.

She had just nodded as I told her, looking sheepish, I felt quite bad, I had reduced her to that of a little girl being told off. On the other hand, she needed to hear it, cruel to be kind and all that.

"What are you making?" She had asked pulling some kind of face.

"Just soup. Nothing too heavy." I had assured her.

"Please can I take something for my headache?" She had asked, in her quiet tone.

"There is Tylenol in the bathroom cabinet. Help yourself." I had told her. She wandered off to the bathroom to find the Tylenol, whilst I finished making her soup.

She had eaten the soup with minimal fuss, for which I was thankful. It was really hard being Luka the Doctor, trying to make her eat, because it was what was good for her body, and being Luka the friend, knowing full well that given my current state, I would probably have given straight into her had she argued with me about eating it.

Whilst we had sat there in contemplative silence, I asked, "You want to stay here tonight?"

She had replied with an embarrassed, "Yes please. If you don't mind." Avoiding my eyes at any cost.

'If you don't mind' she had said, well I didn't mind, she had no idea how much I didn't mind. "If I minded I wouldn't have offered." I had told her, then I had added, "You can take my bed; I'll sleep on the sofa."

"No. That's ok; I'd rather sleep on the sofa." She had tried to assure me.

"Okay. You sure?" I had checked. "I'll just get the stuff." I had wandered off to find blankets and pillows, trying for the life of me to remember where Sam had moved them to when she was here.

Once I had found them, I had gone and made up the sofa, with Abby protesting behind me that she might not be capable of eating by herself, but she could sure as hell make up a sofa. Well I had wanted to do it, so I ignored her.

Once I was sure it was as comfortable as it could be for her, I had said, "I'll leave you to it now then."

"Thank you." She had replied. I had seen the honesty in her eyes. She had really meant thank you.

"Don't worry about it. Goodnight." I had said. I had walked away then, mainly because she needed her privacy, but also for fear that I might have been really stupid and added what I had thought onto the end of that sentence.

"Night Luka." I had heard her say quietly as I left.

I had brushed my teeth and washed my face in the bathroom, then left the light on as I left, because I knew she would be in shortly to use it as well. Once back in my bedroom, I had pulled off my clothes and clambered into bed, finally. I heard her use the bathroom, and then it all went quiet. I had stayed awake for some time, thinking about her, picturing her face as she said thank you to me only minutes before. I could have kissed her. Maybe I should have done. Just taken her face in my hands and kissed her. No. Definitely not. 'Stop it Luka!' I had whispered to myself in the dark. I must have fallen asleep then.

Here I am now, and it is a stupid hour in the morning, and I can't take my eyes off her. I don't remember her coming to me, so it must have been when I was asleep. I am fighting the urge to wrap my arms around her, she is so peaceful and I am remembering times four years ago when I had instinctively put my arms around her waist, or we had held hands under the covers whilst we slept. I couldn't do that now though. I had no idea why she was here led next to me, but she isn't mine to hold this time, so I will fight the urge and just lie here safe in the knowledge that for whatever reason, she has come to me. I will stay here because this is what she wants, and all I ever want to give her is what she wants, so if lying next to me in the dark is enough for her, then she can have it; God knows she can have it.


	5. Chapter 5

Just a little thank you to Shakai, for your endless encouragement! And also thanks to Laura N, because I know you are going to be the first to read this, and your encouragement, well you have no idea! Thank you too!

Thanks to my reviewers, Luby Smarty DnA, dynamitedawn, hee, Tatts, ginie, your reviews have given me the incentive to continue, especially with this chapter because this one was very difficult to write and i was on teh verge of giving up. So thanks.

Ella, thanks to you too, for your encouragement. Your reviews have been ace!

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Disclaimer: I own nothing, just borrowing for entertainment value!

Rating: M (Just incase, because i don't know how far my little mind can go, as of yet!)

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Okay, so I know my profile says that I will never attempt a Luby, but i was led in my very comfortable bed this morning, when this came to me! So i thought 'go on Elissa, give it a whirl!' And i have done. It is completely off the top of my head, but i have ideas as to where i will take it. I will carry on, if people like it, so read and review, i would really like to hear what you think! Hope you enjoy!

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Just a little note on my previous comment on the difficulty writing this chapter. It was very hard and I don't feel it is as good as the others, however I know that the next chapter is going to be even more difficult to write! These chapters 5 and 6 are the transition chapters to the main block of story from the beggining, and where basically a means of the readers knowing what each character is going through. So i'm sorry if anybody si dissapointed, but i hope you enjoy it all the same, and I will continue as soon as i possibly can, bearing in mind that i am right in the middle of my exams, and simply putting off studying, which i am really bad at!

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It has been two weeks since I came to Luka's bed the first time, and tonight I have come again. I know this isn't normal, and I know I shouldn't be doing this, not to me and not to him, but I can't stop. He knows as well as I do that if asked, I will always say I'm fine, to the whole world I will be fine, but secretly I think I'm loosing my mind.

He hasn't asked me; so far he hasn't mentioned anything. I'm not sure if he is waiting for me to bring it up, or just trusting that these are things better left unsaid. I couldn't talk to him about it, and I know that is wrong. Everything I am doing is wrong, but it hurts too much to think about, so I don't, I just carry out my actions, and damn the consequences, at least for as long as possible.

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After that first night, I had woken up in his bed luckily an hour before his alarm was due to go off. I hadn't wanted to wake him, and had hoped that if like last time, he had slept right through the night that I could get away before he realised anything. So I crawled out of his bed and out of his room, as quietly as possible.

I had pulled on my jacket, and found my keys, and had thought that I had better leave the place tidy for him, so I had folded the blankets and put them on the arm of the sofa on top of the pillow he had lent me for the night. After inspecting the lounge quickly I had decided that I had better not make it look like I had snuck out on him again, and scribbled him a quick note…

_Luka,_

_Had to run, I needed to get ready for work and I didn't want to wake you. Thanks for the sofa. A. _

I had even given serious thought as to whether or not I should put a kiss on the end, then had deemed myself ridiculous and once again had told myself to get a grip. After leaving the note on top of the pile of bedding I had left his apartment in a similar manner to the last time, only this time I didn't run.

Once home, I had once again showered and changed. I had to go into my bedroom to pick out some clean clothing, and on entering had felt the familiar wave of nausea over take me. I hadn't a clue what was going on, all I knew was that I had to get out of there as soon as possible, and spend as little time in there as possible.

I had had every intention of going home and making myself some breakfast and eating it, however after my new wave of nausea I once again couldn't face breakfast, so I had promised myself that once this passed I would get something on my break.

The work day was fairly similar to the one that had gone before it, I had been told by Ray that the night shift had apparently been hectic, but I was relishing in the fact that the people of Chicago had decided to take a day off from getting themselves involved in accidents. One or two minor patients I could handle, I was just in no mood to have to try and think critically in a trauma situation. I hadn't had any traumas, and was feeling really quite good about getting home relatively early, then one of my minor patients coded and my day fell in tiny pieces around my head.

"Abby!" I heard Chuny call my name, so stopped and turned. "Abby," She panted when she caught me up, "Your patient in three just coded."

"What?" I had exclaimed. "He was fine just a minute ago, he was talking to me."

"Well, he sure aint talking now." She said to me pointedly. "You had better get back in there, Kovac is trying to stabilise him."

"Shit!" I had said, to no one in particular.

I had made my way inside and found Luka putting in an ET tube. He looked up at me when he got the tube in and said to the room. "Okay I'm in." Never taking his eyes off me.

"Pratt can you handle this from here? I'll be back in minute."

"Sure thing." Pratt told him

I had watched him make his way across the room to me, and then had felt him take my arm, and lead me out.

"I should go in there and…"

"No you don't." He told me.

He took me to the lounge and had poured himself a coffee, after I declined.

"What happened?"

"I don't know."

"Abby?"

"I mean it, I don't know. He was talking to me just a minute ago."

"Did you send off for a glucose level?"

"Yes."

"CBC?"

"Yes."

He had decided to not waste any more time on asking me questions and just shook his head at me.

"Okay. Go home, get some rest."

I hadn't even responded, I had just stood up and walked out of the lounge and out of the ER.

I had needed a drink so badly that night. I hadn't really needed a drink in quite some time; Luka had said to me, the night I found him in a bar, "You must really miss it." Truthfully most days I didn't, and when people said things like that to me, it only made me feel proud of myself because I didn't. That night though, God I didn't just miss it, I craved it.

I had walked home, didn't even bother with the El train. Possibly a very stupid move, but at that time, my usually cautious self gave way to a reckless soul that had too much on her mind. I had passed a store and had turned back, thinking that maybe a bottle of gin was just what I needed. I stayed outside the door for a good ten minutes and had eventually decided that a relapse wouldn't help my cause much, so I had continued on my way home.

Once home, I had had a shower and I had gone to my bedroom to get myself changed, and had looked around at the place and had known that I couldn't even try sleeping in there, I hated the décor, it made me feel physically sick, the smell of the furniture made me wretch. It had been a swift decision, and I had made it in that instant. I had gone and pulled out all of my drawers out of the chest, and had taken each one out into the living room, emptying each drawer onto it's respective pile that I had created on the sofa.

After I had finished with the drawers, I had started the task of emptying my wardrobe. This had presented more of a problem though, since I hadn't anywhere to hang my clothes in my apartment, other than that wardrobe, so I had decided to lay stuff carefully on the dining table, so that it wouldn't crease things too much. Everything else, I had decided I could manage by nipping in and out of my bedroom to get when needed, so long as I didn't have to worry about getting dressed in there.

I had stood back and surveyed the chaos that had ensued throughout my apartment in the hour I had been home. At the time I had two things hit me all at once, firstly, I wasn't dressed and I had done all this in my underwear. Secondly, where was I going to sleep? I had just filled the sofa with my belongings. I had known where I would sleep, and so I had chosen a pair of slacks, a tank, and a sweater from their piles with flourish, as I smiled at how effectively my new system was working, and had dressed. Then I had found my keys and jacket, and once again, I had set off on my journey to Luka's.

When I had arrived he hadn't acted surprised to see me, and he had let me in and we bantered about this and that, nothing in particular. He had offered me pizza that was sat on the coffee table, and since I hadn't eaten I had accepted, and we had sat and eaten and watched television like the two old friends that we were. He smelled so good though. He had recently showered and because of our close proximity I could smell his shower gel and his deodorant. I had almost reached over to him, but as I made the decision to move he had stood up to take the plates into the kitchen.

That I had known was my signal to keep my thoughts to myself. He didn't feel the same, so I hadn't to be stupid. Why would he want me? I had thought as I sat there listening to him do the dishes. Why would he want plain, self destructive me when just a few months ago he had had young, sexy Sam?

"You okay?" He had asked when he finished the dishes.

"Yeh." I had told him. "Just tired.

"Yeh, I'm tired too. Long day." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Well, I guess goodnight then, if you're okay to sort this lot out yourself." He had said motioning to the bedding that he hadn't shifted since last night.

"Yeh, I'll be fine. Night." I had smiled, making to move for the bedding as he walked away to his bedroom.

I had taken off my sweater and put it on the floor next to the sofa, I had climbed on the sofa, and had tried in vain to get myself comfortable, but it didn't seem to be working in my favour. I had being saying the same thing to myself for an hour since he had gone to bed. 'Stay here Abby, don't be stupid.' 'Stay here Abby; don't make a fool of yourself.' Chanting things to myself, willing myself to be a bigger person than the one I was behaving like. After about an hour and a half though my body won the battle over my mind and I had clambered out of the covers and made my way to his bedroom again.

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The next two weeks followed a similar pattern to this. I would get up earlier than him, fold the bedding and leave him a note. I would go home, shower get dressed and go to work. Luka and I interacted at work like we always had. We worked well together and chatted in-between patients, laughing and being good friends.

Nothing was ever mentioned about the evenings, he came to expect me about an hour after my shift finished, and if we worked different shifts I stayed in the lounge on the sofa. If asked I was always checking on a patient.

I would always go home first. I used to get on the El, and go from the stop to the store, purchase a bottle of my desired spirit of the evening and then take it home with me. I never drank though. The urge was there, I needed it so much, but I knew that if I had a drink and then went to Luka it would change things, he would be more inclined to say something, to stop me, and I couldn't deal with that, at least not now. I was also very aware that if I started drinking I wouldn't stop, not for work or anything, and I couldn't afford to loose my job. If I couldn't go to work I would have to spend day on end in my apartment, and that was enough to make me not drink. So I would get home, have a shower, get changed, take the newest spirit bottle purchased, open it, smell it for as close to Dutch courage as I could get, put it in the cupboard I had designated as 'bar', and then I would make my way to Luka's.

Once there, each time followed a routine as well. We would eat, watch television for a little while, bid each other goodnight, he would go to bed, I stayed on the sofa, and then after a while I would go to his bed and sleep next to him.

For the first few nights I was sure he didn't know because I was always up earlier than he was. However after about a week of this little way of living, I had woken up to find him not there, he had gone to the bathroom and when he came back we very definitely looked each other in the eyes as he climbed back into his bed. No words where exchanged and I thanked God for that, and so it continued.

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Today I had gone home in the morning and had just been about to leave for work when I had gotten a call. I had thought about leaving it for the machine but I knew that I wasn't going to be in any fit state to check my messages once I got home this evening as I would be dying to get out of the place.

"Hello?"

"Abby? It's Susan."

"Susan? Wow, hey!"

"Hi. How are you?"

"Erm…yeh good, thanks. How are you? How's the job?"

"Well, I'm fine, the job is fine."

"Yeh? Good. How are Cosmo and Chuck?"

"Fine. Actually that is why I was calling."

"Go on."

"Well I have a couple of days off coming up, and Chuck wanted me to get away for a while. You know, time to myself…"

"Okay…"

"Well I was thinking about it and I really don't have anywhere I'd particularly like to go on my own, so I was kind of wondering if you would put me up for a couple of days, if I came to visit…"

I had looked around at the piles of my belongings covering what seemed like every crevice of my Apartment.

"Yeh no problem. It will be nice to see you."

"Really? You wouldn't mind?"

"No. Of course I wouldn't mind."

"Okay! Great! Well I am coming in a week today if that's okay."

"That's fine. I'll look forward to seeing you. And if you call me with your flight details I will pick you up."

"Oh that's fantastic Abby, thank you so much."

"Don't worry about it. Honestly, it will be really good to see you."

"Okay then. Well I guess I'll call you in a couple of days."

"Okay. Sure."

"Bye then."

"See you."

I had put the phone back in its cradle and made my way to work. There I had seen Luka and told him about Susan's call. He seemed pleased about it and I was I think. It didn't change anything though. Tonight followed the same pattern as all the others. I had gotten off the El and gone to the store, tonight picking out a bottle of Tequila to keep one bottle of Gin, two bottles of Vodka, three bottles of Southern Comfort Whisky, and another seven bottles of Tequila company.

After I had showered and changed I did what I did every night and opened the bottle took a couple of good sniffs and replaced the top and put it in its rightful place as bottle number fourteen. Then I went to Luka's.

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I really have no clue as to how I got here. How did I get myself in this mess? Maybe he wonders the same thing. Maybe he doesn't care. I think he hates me, what is scarier than that is that I don't blame him. I don't even know what he is thinking, what my actions are doing to him. If I think about it too much though, if I fight this, I know the result won't be pretty. Would it be better than this though?

It's particularly dark in his bedroom tonight. It scares me sometimes, the dark, especially in his bedroom, because I know he is laying next to me, but it's not like he is my protector, it's not like in my moment of fright I can curl up and wrap myself in his arms, because I am not supposed to be here.


End file.
